Oh the places I’ll go.

I don’t write very often although my mom says I’m good at it.

As most people are pausing to reevaluate their lives at the beginning of a new year, I am finding that my life has taken a moment to pause and evaluate me.  It’s been a strange and somewhat unpleasant sensation.  I don’t at all like it.  2011 wound itself down with a great sigh and strong feelings of unease accompanied by an itch for change. As a firmly rooted Taurus, change is rarely something I seek, even when I’m itching for it.  My group of friends spread wide, my family, my apartment, my relationships with the men in my life, my body, even my fingernails were demanding so much more attention and maintenance and not supplying me with many rewarding feelings.  Everything was begging for change and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.  So, as I dug my lazy hooves around in the dirt, other forces decided my changes for me.  I could feel them working and smell the wind coming from a new direction, and though there was bubbling excitement, there was more fear of the unknown bubbling inside me too.  Then change struck.

I was fired.  The whys and hows are hardly important, but change was ready for me, whether I actively invited it or not.  As I left the building that night, walking upside down, cliches echoed in my head and danced around the wormy pit that had grown in my stomach.  “This is a blessing in disguise.”  “There’s nowhere left to go but up.”  “The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.”  As scared and hurt as I was, I also had a feeling that I was going to be ok.  One of my favorite sister missionaries always told me, often through veils of tears, that everything was always ok.  Things felt shitty sometimes, and things get scary other times, but by the by they are always ok.  Thanks Sister Denning.  So I tried to calm down, went home, prayed, and played dress up with my roommate until things didn’t seem so scary.

The next day brought with it a lot of phone calls and anxiety.  I spoke with a lot of folks to try and get things in order.  Unemployment, reaching out to friends with connections, praying, following leads I had previously abandoned, praying, and putting finances in order.  I was determined to be as active as possible.  Things were changing and although I was scared, being idle wasn’t the way for me.  Change had started, all aboard.

The following day, I had a little less drive and direction.  What now?  I went and bought groceries.  A 5lb bag of potatoes for 2$; Ramen noodles 3 for 89 cents; soup 2 for 2$; 1.50$ for a loaf of bread.  I was ready for a long stretch of making it stretch.  When I returned from the market, my phone rang. It was a company I had been interviewing with in October.  At the time, they had liked me and I liked them.  Then as new relationships often do, it suddenly fizzled.  It was harder and harder to get a hold of them.  They seemed less excited when we spoke.  Eventually they told me that they were going through some changes, and though still interested, weren’t sure where I would fit at the moment.  I was disappointed, but I already had a job.  No big deal.  This time, they called me, and offered me a position.  They are excited and confident and ready to rock my world and have theirs rocked in turn.  Alley-oop!

So it looks like everything is going to work out right?  I was unemployed for one day.  Here comes the sun and all of that.  The strange thing is, now I can’t shake the panic.  Yes, the stress of the unknown is relieved, but now I’m standing in front of a tidal wave of change.  There’s a shadow looming large, and while I can see things I want swimming around inside of it, I am terrified of the crash.  Try as I might to avoid change, it’s coming and it’s bringing friends.  So, here we go.  Sister Denning told me everything will always be ok.  I guess I believed her.  I guess I still do.

I stumbled across this video while perusing the interwebs.  It’s magical.  I hope you find in it the inspiration and empathy that I did and do.