Oh the places I’ll go.

I don’t write very often although my mom says I’m good at it.

As most people are pausing to reevaluate their lives at the beginning of a new year, I am finding that my life has taken a moment to pause and evaluate me.  It’s been a strange and somewhat unpleasant sensation.  I don’t at all like it.  2011 wound itself down with a great sigh and strong feelings of unease accompanied by an itch for change. As a firmly rooted Taurus, change is rarely something I seek, even when I’m itching for it.  My group of friends spread wide, my family, my apartment, my relationships with the men in my life, my body, even my fingernails were demanding so much more attention and maintenance and not supplying me with many rewarding feelings.  Everything was begging for change and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.  So, as I dug my lazy hooves around in the dirt, other forces decided my changes for me.  I could feel them working and smell the wind coming from a new direction, and though there was bubbling excitement, there was more fear of the unknown bubbling inside me too.  Then change struck.

I was fired.  The whys and hows are hardly important, but change was ready for me, whether I actively invited it or not.  As I left the building that night, walking upside down, cliches echoed in my head and danced around the wormy pit that had grown in my stomach.  “This is a blessing in disguise.”  “There’s nowhere left to go but up.”  “The Lord never gives us more than we can handle.”  As scared and hurt as I was, I also had a feeling that I was going to be ok.  One of my favorite sister missionaries always told me, often through veils of tears, that everything was always ok.  Things felt shitty sometimes, and things get scary other times, but by the by they are always ok.  Thanks Sister Denning.  So I tried to calm down, went home, prayed, and played dress up with my roommate until things didn’t seem so scary.

The next day brought with it a lot of phone calls and anxiety.  I spoke with a lot of folks to try and get things in order.  Unemployment, reaching out to friends with connections, praying, following leads I had previously abandoned, praying, and putting finances in order.  I was determined to be as active as possible.  Things were changing and although I was scared, being idle wasn’t the way for me.  Change had started, all aboard.

The following day, I had a little less drive and direction.  What now?  I went and bought groceries.  A 5lb bag of potatoes for 2$; Ramen noodles 3 for 89 cents; soup 2 for 2$; 1.50$ for a loaf of bread.  I was ready for a long stretch of making it stretch.  When I returned from the market, my phone rang. It was a company I had been interviewing with in October.  At the time, they had liked me and I liked them.  Then as new relationships often do, it suddenly fizzled.  It was harder and harder to get a hold of them.  They seemed less excited when we spoke.  Eventually they told me that they were going through some changes, and though still interested, weren’t sure where I would fit at the moment.  I was disappointed, but I already had a job.  No big deal.  This time, they called me, and offered me a position.  They are excited and confident and ready to rock my world and have theirs rocked in turn.  Alley-oop!

So it looks like everything is going to work out right?  I was unemployed for one day.  Here comes the sun and all of that.  The strange thing is, now I can’t shake the panic.  Yes, the stress of the unknown is relieved, but now I’m standing in front of a tidal wave of change.  There’s a shadow looming large, and while I can see things I want swimming around inside of it, I am terrified of the crash.  Try as I might to avoid change, it’s coming and it’s bringing friends.  So, here we go.  Sister Denning told me everything will always be ok.  I guess I believed her.  I guess I still do.

I stumbled across this video while perusing the interwebs.  It’s magical.  I hope you find in it the inspiration and empathy that I did and do.

Another Christmas in the Trenches

Another Christmas in the Trenches

 

Tis the season in Manhattan.  Everything is in full swing here in the city.  The Swarovski star is on top of the tree in Rockefeller Center, people are skating in Central Park, the “Christmas Village” has turned Union Square into a field of red canopies , and Salvation Army recruits are ringing bells on every street corner.  I’ve always been a die-hard for a “good ‘Ole Country Christmas”, but even I have to admit that there is nothing quite like Christmas in New York City.  Let’s be honest, there really isn’t anything like anything in New York City.

I’ll be spending Christmas in New York again this year.  I’ve never kept secret my personal feelings about this city I live in.  It is wonderful and terrible in large doses.  It can take a lot from you, but more and more often I catch myself stopping to appreciate or enjoy in moments where I have sighed or grumbled before.  I’m still doing plenty of those things, mind you, and am rarely marveled or blown away… but Rome wasn’t built in a day.

For now, I’m willing to trade the lights at Temple Square for the windows at Bergdorf’s; the Forgotten Carols for the street performers who walk through the subway cars playing guitars, accordions, and mouth recorders; snow tubing in American Fork Canyon for watching tourists slip down the stairs at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral; and dad’s Christmas Turkey for authentic Ethiopian, Thai, Indian, Japanese, Peruvian, or Italian food.  While some of the particulars of my life may not be as I imagined they would, and I will deeply miss my friends and family back in Zion, I’m looking forward to this particular season in this particular city.

Falling

It has been over a year since I last posted a thought, quip, image, or update on my beloved blog.  I assure you that it hasn’t been because my mind has been elsewhere.  On the contrary, I often think of this little blog and the many, many, many, things that I want to post here.  … Perhaps too many.  I have always had the tendency to dream bigger than I could manage in reality.  Ho hum.

Michael Zavros - Falling

Falling

The past year has turned and left me in a very different place than I anticipated it would.  I suppose that is the habit of passing years.  I am currently living in a house in Queens that sometimes feels more like a hostel than a cozy home, but often accomplishes both functions.  There is a tree filled back yard, few rules, and plenty of decent people to converse with, or hide from in my room.  I sleep on a giant air mattress, covered with sheets commandeered from my ex boyfriend, that tilts to the right.  My trusty jersey pillow is here.  Together we have spooned our way across the country, through Mormonism, around awkward nighttime visitors, and over the hedge.  This summer I became a college grad (YAY!), an even longer term Banana zombie (BOO!), and a single New Yorker (…eh?). All and all it’s been eventful.  Now we’re on another adventure.

I’m tempted to quit here.  To not expound on what I’ve thought and felt.  I’ve been tempted to quit in a lot of places over the past months.  But I suppose the important thing to note is that I haven’t, not entirely.  I’ve spent a day or two in bed more than I should or shouldn’t.  I’ve eaten or not eaten when I should or shouldn’t.  I’ve cried, or yelled, or snapped when I should or shouldn’t.  I’ve been falling.  But I haven’t quit, not entirely.

Now.

It seems a little silly to claim that I am falling still, almost as silly as it seems to claim that I’m not.  But whether I’m falling or not, I need to buy a new bed… and new goddamn sheets.  Oh yeah, I’m going to get an awesome job too….

To post or not to post.

I have been long pondering over the issue of wether or not I should post some of my art and illustrations on my blog.  I really want to.  In fact, it was one of the motivating factors toward starting the blog in the first place.  But, what is holding my back is the idea that anyone will have access to my material.  Now, I am not claiming by any means that what I would post would start a sensation or that someone would even want to use it for their own purposes.  But it makes me a little weary that they even could.  What to do, what to do?   Any thoughts about the matter would be much welcomed.

“Gentleman’s Time”

Well, it has happened.  It seems like only yesterday I was clawing my way out of the dank Myspace cavern, and blinking stepped into the light of Facebook.  Now, two years later, I find myself standing at the edge of yet another chasm on my journey toward cyber enlightenment…. the blog.  It’s actually a tad bit silly how excited I’ve been to embark on this leg of my journey.  Many hours have been spent pondering on themes and titles as I absentmindedly dressed and redressed my beloved mannequins (at the store.  I’m not a crazy person with mannequins in his house.).  After careful consideration I think that I am ready.  Welcome to… “Gentleman’s Time”:

What is Gentleman’s Time?:

During Season One of The United States of Tara, Toni Collette walks in on her husband, John Corbett, taking part in some self-indulgence in the shower, which, she affectionately nicknames “Gentleman’s Time.”  While I do have high hopes for this blog, and I am not going to make any grand attempt at making it one thing or another, I am positive that it will be one thing for certain…self-indulgent.  So it is with great excitement that I invite you to be a part of my “Gentleman’s Time.”